Health vs. Mind

So there was a time where I was going to the gym everyday and really living the “gym rat” kind of life. Then I realized that I was not happy, that I was constantly comparing myself to other people and I was just completely making myself miserable. That, in itself, made me not be able to really even lose any weight but rather gain a few pounds even though I was actively dieting as well.

So I took some time off to just think about what I wanted and how I wanted to live. Then I became overweight and slightly less unhappy but still unhappy with the way I looked. I say “unhappy” with the way that I look like I was completely miserable but the real emotion there would have been that I was at least okay with the way that I looked. Overweight or not. One positive and negative about the way that I look is that my breasts are huge (that’s a positive) and the negative is that my breasts are huge. Because I am so blessed in the department of breasts, I look 10x my size. My belly doesn’t extend past them although there is a bit of “fluff”. However, I am okay with the way that I look. I look fertile, if that makes any sense. My hips are wide, my waist is a bit small then my hips; giving my body a nice hourglass shape. And, like I said, my boobs are huge. So, I look like a real knock out in a tight dress. Men notice me. So, I mean, I am not disguising huge like I look severely healthy and unhappy. I look well-fed and content, at least.

But my point is that I am still unhappy when it comes to the bottom line. I may never be truly happy because I know that my issues with depression, anxiety, and bipolar 2 disorder really hinder me from experiencing that type of emotion but I can at least attempt to get as close to happy as I can get. I owe that to myself. I’ve noticed lately that I am starting to get winded walking up three flights of stairs or how my legs start throbbing if I’ve been standing for too long. Well, that stops now. I renewed my gym membership and I think it’s back to the gym for me. I have an ambitious goal of losing as much weight as I can before my flight to Washington D.C. in August. If I’m not at my goal weight by that time, that’s fine, but I at least want to be as close to it as I can get. Just like my happiness. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just needs to be “good enough”. I figure I’m at 168.0 now. At 5’5, yes, that means that I am overweight. I would really like to see myself get to 140.0 by August but I am aware that, that goal is pretty ambitious so my expectations are still realistic. I’d be happy to be at 150.0, even 155.0 by August. That means that I would have lost around 10 pounds. If I have 10 weeks left, that that means that I would need to lose 1 pound a week to have lost 10 pounds by my deadline. That is doable, I think. Luckily for me, I have 11 weeks until I have to leave for my vacation/trip. So that’s an extra pound if I do it right!

Plus, I think I’m going to go vegetarian again. When I was vegetarian 2 previous times, I did end up losing weight both times. The first time I lost 15 pounds (with diet and exercise) and the second time I wasn’t trying so hard, I lost 8 pounds. For me, I have to go strict or there will always be room to “limit test” so I take away those limits and draw a nice thick line that I cannot cross and it’s been pretty good from there. I think I’ll start my vegetarian diet effective tomorrow.

Good Day

Well I did it. I survived an entire day of training on Advance Care Directives or ACP/AD. Now all I have to do is “interview” three to five different people and I’ll get my certificate and a pin in the program. I’m not going to say the program that I sat in today because its pretty concentrated in the area that I live in although it is in a bunch of other states and some countries in Europe.

Yesterday I was mildly freaking out about going because I didn’t know what I was getting into. New environment and all. But this morning when I woke up, I didn’t even think about it and it wasn’t at all bad when I went up to the second floor, into the classroom.

Today was an okay day. If I could do anything on an ideal day, it would NOT be sitting in a classroom all day listening to different people repeat themselves. In fact, it would be going you my local Barnes & Noble and getting a huge coffee from their Starbucks in there and then walking around looking at all the books, magazines, and journals. Then maybe buying some. Yep, that would be an ideal day. So it was concluded that if I was in the hospital that I did not want to lose the ability to drink coffee or read. And that pretty much summed it up. That, at least, I learned today. I would even be willing to say that today was a good day.

When I got off, I went to the grocery store to buy some pork chops, coffee, milk, and eggs. Then I came home and made dinner while my husband surprised me by being outside mowing the lawn. Now the lawn is all nice and neat and our bellies are full. Josh was really hungry so he went back for seconds. That, in itself, made me feel good because he doesn’t hand out compliments very well. Obviously, I made pork chops. But I added macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, and a southern style biscuit to finish off the meal. It was good and today was good.

I’m strong leaning on going to take yet another bubble bath and read a bit of Outlander. Which, yes, I am still reading. I am about 29% through the book so far which literally means I have read about 250 pages. Its about a 500 page book so I have read a lot of pages but haven’t really made a dent in the book yet. However, it is amazing. I love every part of it so far and I already am in love with Jamie Fraser. I am quite fond of Claire as well. Any way, onward to my bubble bath!!

entitled

It’s been about 4 days without drugs or alcohol. I had a brief 1 day relapsed where I took some anxiety medication and had a glass of wine while I took a bubble bath but now I am completely out of my “medication” which makes it easier for me to not use it (because I don’t have any) and alcohol has really been tasting awful to me lately. It’s almost as if I don’t “have the stomach” for it anymore. It doesn’t matter what kind it is, every kind is revolving to me now for some reason. Especially wine. Especially tequila.

Yesterday was absolutely crazy at work. We had 10 patients (which is a lot for our office) and the phone would not stop ringing. It was one problem after another. Our office coordinator was even getting a crazy about of phone calls too, and from there she would send quite a few of those phone calls to me to handle. I shouldn’t be complaining though because a “crazy day” for us is getting 10 phone calls routed to me and having an additional 10 patients to see in the office. Like I didn’t room 31 patients in a single day when I worked at OB/GYN or have 150 phone calls in a single day on a Monday in that office.

Today, seems better. My doctor is out of the office today because his wife had a procedure so it’s just me and the nurse practitioner.  We had a whole of 1 patient today (so far) that’s not to say that more won’t be added as emergency cases as the day progresses but, for now, 1 patient is all we have dealt with. 1 patient and 2 phone calls. It’s 11am. That means, that’s about 0.5 patients an hour. Hopefully the rest of the day goes this way. I like days like this. I didn’t use to because it was “boring” but I have grown almost entitled to slow days. Which I know is completely ridiculous.

Then tomorrow, I am going to be out of the office all day to attend a training course at another local hospital. I have to take it because it will help me learn about Advanced Care Plans and Advanced Directives which we deal with a lot in my line of work.

My Graduate program starts on June 11th. I may not be able to attend though because the financial aid office stated that if it’s the summer semester AND less than half-time enrollment, you might not be able to get any aid. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see, won’t we?

In the Works

You know, I think my moods are elevated when its the weekend because I was feeling this same way last weekend. Theres just something about knowing that you don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to. Even though I should probably be doing some laundry, the dishes, or ordering my textbook for the summer semester that I am attending.

Eventually, I will start writing my books that have literally been in the works since 1) 2009 and 2) 2017. I have a desire to write them but when it comes to actually putting that into fruition, that’s another story (no pun intended). I think because, to me, the characters are great and all but that seems like an overwhelming task right now. Even though I know I am the only one putting a stipulation on myself when my books should be published. In reality, there is no deadline. I could go as slow as I want (which I have) and still there is no deadline. They only person pressuring me is myself.

One book is a cozy mystery and the other is a horror/action/historical fiction type story. One book, I’m about 30-40 pages into and the other, I am about 100-120 pages into. I just don’t have the “free time” anymore. Even though I haven’t worked at my second job for about two entire weeks and I have done nothing of importance any of the days after work.

What I am saying is, I am clearly procrastinating when I actually have free time. In June, when my graduate program starts, I have no idea how much free time I will have because I have no idea what I’m getting myself into. So why not write now and cover my butt plus make myself feel better than wait until later when I could possibly have no time. I mean, one of the books has been in its “concept” phase since 2009. That’s almost ten years of sitting on the back burner people. I have got to get with the program or abandon it until after retirement. Which may or may not be when I turn 65 with the way things are going in our society. I may have to work until I die. Especially with this graduate program and the amount of debt that I have, I may very well have to work until I die to try to pay off some of my debts.

I’ve clearly got time to write, because here I am “working” on my blog. So why don’t I just switch that over, plug in the old jump drive and get with the program…? Really its all psychology. I am the only one putting pressure on myself. Realistically, this task is non-existent, I mean look at the proof.

Crazy Day

Today was a bit of a crazy day for me and after yesterday where I only had one patient for most of the day, I was not ready for the six patients and endless amount of phone calls that today brought. And next week is going to be even more crazy with 10 patients starting out of Monday. No patients Tuesday or Wednesday and then, as of now, 7 patients on Thursday and 7 again on Friday.

The bright side of this weekend is that I will get ample time to relax and reset. This week was pretty stressful since I knew leading up to Wednesday that my husband would be leaving for a week for military training. So on Monday and Tuesday, and even Wednesday my anxiety was through the roof. Wednesday and yesterday (Thursday) were not too bad but they weren’t good either. I anticipated being overwhelmed at work only to be completely bored out of my mind.

SPOILERS BELOW:
Last night, my sister and I went out to our local cinema and watching Avengers: Infinity War. I was absolutely not prepared for the ending where a lot of my favorite characters disappeared into literal thin air. Which, I take it, means an end to their story because you can’t have more movies if you just completely wrote off the character. Like Star Lord. Like, what the holy fucking fuck. You kill his girl and then you make him AND Groot disappear…?! Guardians of the Galaxy was my FAVORITE Marvel story. There is goes, right up into smoke and ash to blow away in the wind. Thank GOD they did not make Ant-Man (who wasn’t even in the movie) or Captain America disappear because I would have LITERALLY lost my shit right there in the movie theater. Completely was NOT expecting them to make the Black Panther disappear as the 1st movie literally just came out and is even still in theaters. He’s not my favorite character but he is still such a baby story line (move wise) that I was not expecting them to write him off especially with the way they ended his 1st movie. It was like they were telling us that they were planning a sequel.

Of course, Stan Lee has been in and out of the hospital lately so it makes sense that they would write and “end” to all of the Marvel movies – tying them all together into one ending so that Stan Lee can actually be around on earth to witness the end of “the story”. In some small way, I can at least appreciate that they did that.

Needless to say, the movie was good and they did not write off the other major characters like Thor, Black Widow, Captain America, Iron Man… etc… but they did write off some beloved ones like previously mentioned Star Lord, Spider Man, Groot, Black Panther.

I wasn’t disappointed in the movie so much as I was surprised that they were literally telling fans that that was it. It’s over. No more Marvel movies, at least, for our current story lines. That is, at least, what I took away from it. So are there really no more movies coming out? Even no Black Panther 2? No more Thor? No more Guardian of the Galaxy?

new tidings

I think I may start posting some of my essays that I did in college. They will, of course, be history related. I’m also thinking about posting some of my short stories as well. Most of my essays have been on this blog before, and at one point, was what got this blog as many hits as it has now. One particular blog about the Middle East was used (with permission) by a teacher actively teaching somewhere in Asia. I guess to teach his students about the differences in opinion depending on geographic location or the level of education someone has.

In college, I not only studied history but I also studies what they call, “Middle Eastern Studies”, had the minor existed at my school I would have Majored in History and Minored in Middle Eastern Studies but it didn’t and still doesn’t which is entirely unfortunate. Then I planned to go to graduate school for anthropology until the local university decided to discontinue the graduate anthropology program – that and the “library science” program as well. Which is a terrible, terrible shame.

So now I am still doing graduate school but because, work wise, I have worked in nothing but healthcare; I decided to “mask” my history degree by getting a degree in Healthcare Administration. To, one day, become a compliance manager or an auditing manager. It’s a smart choice because, at least, you know when you get out that you have a good chance of finding a job, at least (again), in entry level management which makes more income than what I currently make now.

I was supposed to start the program in the Fall of this year (August) but I asked to be moved to start sooner and take classes over the summer but all of the classes are full so they have to get special permission to add one more person to the class which could or could not happen. I’m supposed to hear back from the school on that at some point. I was under the impression that it would be sometimes this week but haven’t heard anything yet.

But honestly, if I could be anything in the world, I would want to be an archeologist.

An archeologist and a writer because history and writing are my two passions. They are the reason that I have this blog and the reason I write as often as I do. You know, you have to use what God gives you. And God took away the Anthropology program so that I could have a chance to do something else. I could do the program online but that would kind of defeat the purpose of doing the program since anthropology is largely “hands on” type stuff.

back out

So I did it. I went three days without abusing medications or alcohol and then I wasn’t okay. My husband is leaving for military training for about a week and I usually am not nervous or afraid for him to go but I am this time around for some reason.

I’ve had three high potent drinks tonight and some Benedryl, and Ativan. I feel buzzed and I think that buzz is what gets to me. Feeling buzzed is better than feeling sad or bored which are the emotions I feel a lot lately. Why Benedryl? Well it makes you go “loopy” faster. It makes you forget yourself as well as makes you tired. Ativan works in much the same way only its a different drug.

Substance abuse doesn’t just happen to people that do hard drug but it more commonly happens amongst people who just “take” their prescribed medications. Especially if there are allowed to hoard them for a while; like I was. No wonder the country is in this “opiod epidemic”. Fucking life sucks and some of us can “put our big girl panties on” but we can only wear them for so long before we have to change. I promised myself I wouldn’t drink and do drugs again and here I am. At home, listening to Korn with a pleasant buzz.

I will try better tomorrow. And hope & pray that I can stay off my medications (that I don’t really need, at least, didn’t really need) because I know the longer I abuse them, the harder it is going to be to get off of them.