well then

So I totally almost got fired about two weeks ago and since then I have been too busy to write about it. That department where I wrote like things felt like it was too good to be true – well, they were. I should have known better. After all the circles I have danced in, damn it, I should have known better. But I was trying to be greatful and I was trying to be patient thinking maybe this is a good routine for me.

That is, until I heard all the awful things about me in the directors office. I was so taken aback that I was sobbing right in front of her. I was so embarassed. My coworkers basically said that I was a piece of shit and that they didnt want me. I wasnt worth it.

What they didn’t see was all of the anxiety attacks that I was having and a the sheer panic that I was experiencing in the job. My mental health was really wearing down and all I have to say about that is that I must be a giant baby for not just fighting through it. And those anxiety attacks caused random crying, random mania, random freak outs, random panic and – to survive – an aire of “I dont care”. Because you have to pick your battles during an anxiety attack and anything not essential to functionality, goes. It just goes. And the migraines. The vicious circle of migraines. I’d have a panic attack, which led into a migraine. Multiple migraines. I could not function. All I wanted to do was help my patients and survive the day. And I couldn’t. I couldnt help them. I couldnt even help myself. How was I supposed to help them too? How was I supposed to work out their problems on top of the problems that I, myself, was having? I couldn’t.

And here we are. Just greatful that I wasn’t fired. Because I could have been fired. I really could have been fired. So now, instead of being a medical assistant for a great department, I am a float PSR or rather – receptionist for a bunch of different clinics. And I am surviving. I love the change of scenery and the lack of commitment that come with floating. Maybe this is the dream job I never knew that I wanted. Its working out a lot better than I had anticipated. And the lack of commitment to the patients too…. Are your demographics correct? Is your insurance correct? Am I collecting the corrrect copay? Done. Let’s go home. An untrained monkey could do this job. Thankfully, they dont or we’d be in trouble. But you get the picture.

Advertisements