Queen

I have really got to start doing something to work on my mental health and wellbeing because I just feel myself getting more and more anxious. More stressed. More scared. More of feeling like a failure. And largely, I really think a lot of it has to do with how I internally speak to myself. I am not very nice to myself and if you could see the inter-monologue that I have with myself you would probably think that my soul was born in the burning fire pits of hell. No seriously, it’s like my soul has a demon in it and that demon is trying its damnest to get me to kill myself. Or get me to harm myself in some way like using drugs, abusing medications, skipping out on responsibilities, not taking care of myself… and just all around not respecting myself. Does that mean that I’m possessed? Can people be possessed? How do you get unpossesssed?

I know inter-me is strong and resilient and DOESN’T TAKE ANY SHIT OFF NOBODY…. and…. and…. I want that back. Where did the “strong” me go? Where is that warrior woman that kicks ass and has her shit together? Did my mental illnesses kick that girl to the curb? Or is she just buried under layers of medication? I WANT HER BACK DAMN IT!

So I made a list tin the fashion that I make lists in. I am a list maker. I love lists. Anyway, I made a list of all of the things that I was going to do (or going to stop doing) to better myself.

I’m in a graduate programs for christs sake. No one wants a half-assed leader. They want a leader that can take charge and lead in an intelligent way. And I want to be that person. So I am going to be that person. Come hell or high water. I am going to be that person.

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