My husband is gone for an entire week for military training and just like every time he’s gone, I am a giant ball of anxiety. I never realize just how much he means to me until he’s gone and I’m stuck at home “alone” [I’m not really alone since my sister, 2 dogs, and 3 cats also live with me – but the point is that I’m lonely].
One thing you have to know about me is I like my personal space and I like the quiet. Unless, of course, my husband is not home and then, in which case, I hate being alone and I hate the quiet. It gives me too much time to think unhealthy thoughts. And, of late, I used to drown that loneliness in about 5-6 glasses of alcohol each night. Because, to me, it was easier to get drunk and not deal with what was happening to me than it was to face my problems. I still have trouble facing my problems. But at least I can do it without alcohol.
You’ll be happy to know that I have been without any alcohol for about 2-3 weeks now. I’m not really keeping track but I feel like its pretty safe to say that its been that long. I’ve been going to the gym about every other day and I have lost about 7 pounds so far among eating a lot less food through out the day. I’ve also stopped abusing medications for about that long as well. Mind you, I still need my anxiety medication, especially when my husband is away but I have stopped abusing it.
And with all of this, I feel my spirituality shifting into more of an individualistic sense. I consider myself Christian but a lot of what is taught in that religion, just doesn’t mesh well with me. For example, women should live to serve their husbands and children. I don’t believe that. Yeah, maybe back then in the bible times since they didn’t have anything else to do but nowadays where women are equal to men (work, family, sexually, socially)…. I just don’t believe that.
I am noticing that I am drawn to the more “natural” type religion. Not like being a witch or anything but just using things as they come naturally. Like herbs, teas, salves, oils, smokes… etc… I don’t know how to describe it. I guess the easiest way to describe what I am being drawn to is just to live more simply. Not to overthink things and to just be. I’m willing to explore that meaning as long as it brings me happiness and spiritual contentment. I think what is most important to me is seeking out other who are like me and being accepted for who I am. One of the things that scares me the most about this “new journey” is what my husband will think of me. Will he think that I am just playing make believe? Will he think that I’ve finally lost it? I know the most important aspect is my self discovery. My journey to contentment. You know? Screw what others think.
But anyway, yes, I hate when my husband is gone. I never realize how much he is a part of me until he’s not home anymore. It’s a vicious cycle.
I love him, I wish he’d leave me alone, I love him, go away… etc…
Anyone who’s been married for a while knows what I mean. God, I can’t believe I’ve typed this much already. Talk about random conversations with myself.
I’m going to get a book at start recording things that I find regarding my spirituality. I don’t want to put a label on it but I do hope I find like-minded people out there. Whether in person or online. Free-Thinkers. Lovers of Books. Pursuers of happiness.