Health vs. Mind

So there was a time where I was going to the gym everyday and really living the “gym rat” kind of life. Then I realized that I was not happy, that I was constantly comparing myself to other people and I was just completely making myself miserable. That, in itself, made me not be able to really even lose any weight but rather gain a few pounds even though I was actively dieting as well.

So I took some time off to just think about what I wanted and how I wanted to live. Then I became overweight and slightly less unhappy but still unhappy with the way I looked. I say “unhappy” with the way that I look like I was completely miserable but the real emotion there would have been that I was at least okay with the way that I looked. Overweight or not. One positive and negative about the way that I look is that my breasts are huge (that’s a positive) and the negative is that my breasts are huge. Because I am so blessed in the department of breasts, I look 10x my size. My belly doesn’t extend past them although there is a bit of “fluff”. However, I am okay with the way that I look. I look fertile, if that makes any sense. My hips are wide, my waist is a bit small then my hips; giving my body a nice hourglass shape. And, like I said, my boobs are huge. So, I look like a real knock out in a tight dress. Men notice me. So, I mean, I am not disguising huge like I look severely healthy and unhappy. I look well-fed and content, at least.

But my point is that I am still unhappy when it comes to the bottom line. I may never be truly happy because I know that my issues with depression, anxiety, and bipolar 2 disorder really hinder me from experiencing that type of emotion but I can at least attempt to get as close to happy as I can get. I owe that to myself. I’ve noticed lately that I am starting to get winded walking up three flights of stairs or how my legs start throbbing if I’ve been standing for too long. Well, that stops now. I renewed my gym membership and I think it’s back to the gym for me. I have an ambitious goal of losing as much weight as I can before my flight to Washington D.C. in August. If I’m not at my goal weight by that time, that’s fine, but I at least want to be as close to it as I can get. Just like my happiness. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just needs to be “good enough”. I figure I’m at 168.0 now. At 5’5, yes, that means that I am overweight. I would really like to see myself get to 140.0 by August but I am aware that, that goal is pretty ambitious so my expectations are still realistic. I’d be happy to be at 150.0, even 155.0 by August. That means that I would have lost around 10 pounds. If I have 10 weeks left, that that means that I would need to lose 1 pound a week to have lost 10 pounds by my deadline. That is doable, I think. Luckily for me, I have 11 weeks until I have to leave for my vacation/trip. So that’s an extra pound if I do it right!

Plus, I think I’m going to go vegetarian again. When I was vegetarian 2 previous times, I did end up losing weight both times. The first time I lost 15 pounds (with diet and exercise) and the second time I wasn’t trying so hard, I lost 8 pounds. For me, I have to go strict or there will always be room to “limit test” so I take away those limits and draw a nice thick line that I cannot cross and it’s been pretty good from there. I think I’ll start my vegetarian diet effective tomorrow.

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