back out

So I did it. I went three days without abusing medications or alcohol and then I wasn’t okay. My husband is leaving for military training for about a week and I usually am not nervous or afraid for him to go but I am this time around for some reason.

I’ve had three high potent drinks tonight and some Benedryl, and Ativan. I feel buzzed and I think that buzz is what gets to me. Feeling buzzed is better than feeling sad or bored which are the emotions I feel a lot lately. Why Benedryl? Well it makes you go “loopy” faster. It makes you forget yourself as well as makes you tired. Ativan works in much the same way only its a different drug.

Substance abuse doesn’t just happen to people that do hard drug but it more commonly happens amongst people who just “take” their prescribed medications. Especially if there are allowed to hoard them for a while; like I was. No wonder the country is in this “opiod epidemic”. Fucking life sucks and some of us can “put our big girl panties on” but we can only wear them for so long before we have to change. I promised myself I wouldn’t drink and do drugs again and here I am. At home, listening to Korn with a pleasant buzz.

I will try better tomorrow. And hope & pray that I can stay off my medications (that I don’t really need, at least, didn’t really need) because I know the longer I abuse them, the harder it is going to be to get off of them.