not feeling well

I am not feeling well today. I was fine before lunch but then I ate lunch and now I do not feel good. I am wondering if it is because I am coming off of my “drugs” or because I just happen to be ovulating today. My stomach hurts, I feel dizzy and lightheaded and just an all-around feeling of “unwellness”. I am at work though and because I left twice two weeks ago, and early once last week; I don’t want to leave early again this week. Especially since I just started working in this department, I don’t want to look too terrible.

Part of me thinks that there is something larger happening to myself like I have a chronic illness that hasn’t been “discovered” yet or it could just be from the fact that I have stopped drinking and abusing medications.

Last night, I came home and ate dinner, had a bowl of ice cream and watched television for the rest of the night. I also colored my hair to black (because it was blonde, and then dark brown from previous dye jobs). I didn’t have even one drink to “calm me down” and I didn’t take any medication to “calm me down” either. Hopefully today will be just as good. Hopefully I will go home and show the same will-power that I showed last night. That’s not to say that there wasn’t the urge there because there was. My mouth started to water at the thought of having a margarita last night but I resisted. My mouth started to water, also, at the thought of taking a large dose of Ativan during a bubble bath too but I resisted. I resisted both times and I hope I can do it again tonight because I really don’t want to be a slave to alcohol and medications. They both nearly got me. I should say, alcohol got me and the medications nearly got me because I had been suffering from minor alcoholism for the past three years now. More like, “functioning alcoholism”. I never believed that was a thing until I became it.

Anyway, I hope I get to feeling better because I do not enjoy feeling like this. But I guess it has to get bad before it gets better…?