Well, it looks like I never followed up about whether or not I liked using BetterHelp for counseling or not. And the short answer is “No, I do not like it”. Although, I think that the concept is good, I did not personally enjoy my session with my counselor. It seemed way too informal to me which I like in the sense that it makes your counselor seem more like a “friend” but, at the same time, I don’t need another friend – I need a counselor.
My counselor was still in her house shoes and was playing with her dog on my video chat with her. Could you imagine going to an appointment like that in person where the counselor seems more focused on her own life than your issues…? That part I did not like. We got into talking about her sick mother and for a few seconds it seemed more like I was the counselor than her. Only, I just paid almost $200.00 to act like a “friend” to a complete stranger. If I’m going to pay a ridiculous amount of money for time and location convenience than I better be getting my full money’s worth. I could wait months to get into a counselor locally and only pay my $50.00 co-pay and get way better service at a cheaper cost to myself. So, needless to say, I am not doing BetterHelp again. It just left a bitter taste in my mouth as the “first impression”.
On a positive note, it is Friday and I have a 3 day weekend because of Memorial Day. Today’s work day seems to be pretty chill so far which is much needed after the chaos of earlier this weekend. I mean, going into a full fledged anxiety attack at work on a Monday is not my ideal way to start my work week.
Awful, I started my work week thinking that I was going to be fired because they had someone come over from a different department to “train” me and it turned out that, according to her, she had received negative feedback about me and was there to reteach. Because I am apparently a failure at life. So the first half of the day was spent rooming patients and internally freaking out because I’m thinking I’m like a step away from being fired. Then, after lunch, she changed her entire story and acted like I wasn’t doing anything wrong and that I was the one that was wronged because I only got 1 day of training. Which is true, I did only get 1 day of training – then there was only about 3 hours of actual training and the rest of the 5 hours was spent being “on my own” with someone watching me. Obviously, not enough time to really learn the job with guidance.
So, next week, after my much needed little “mini-vaca” we are going to have a pretty hectic week for the extent of it. Next Friday we have 15 patients and counting which makes absolutely no sense since Thursday, we only have 2 patients. It goes like 8, 9, 2, 15. I mean, are you kidding me? Why not schedule some of the patients for Thursday instead of clumping them all together on Friday? That would make sense to me but it apparently does not make sense to whoever is scheduling our patients.
Anyway, I am excited about the 3 day weekend. I’m totally going to stay up late to get the maximum amount of time out of my short break. See you on the flip side!
So I have my first appointment with a mental health counselor this afternoon. I am trying mental health services over the internet for right now because the field of mental health, at least in my area, sucks ass. Appointments are very far into the future (months out) and they’re only during business hours. Which I can’t do because I have to work full-time like a normal member of society. So, I am trying a website called BetterHelp that costs a lot of money to be a part of but also has an endless mix of different types of certified/credentialed counselors available. And the schedules for when they are available to talk to are endless as well. For example, they have appointments in the evenings and on the weekends so no need to interfere with me working. Plus, if you are in a mini-crisis or whatever, you can always send a direct message to your counselor and they’ll respond to you fairly quickly. Anyway, I’m going to try it tonight and see how it goes. If it doesn’t work out or I don’t like it, then I will seek out help within the community that I live in and just have to deal with an appointment that isn’t for months.
Something is new with the blog and it’s a cool and modern layout to better express my individually when it comes to writing and blogging. I wanted a blog that was just as unique as me and with the alternating of images as the “header” I think I get to have that. Plus, its fun to see what image is going to pop up when I login to write on my blog. I’m still tinkering with it, it’s supposed to be a lot cooler than what it is now but I haven’t figured a lot of the stuff out yet (because it’s too technological for me). One down side to this theme, is that my “pages” are now gone. So, for example, my biography is gone. I also had some pages titled “Where I Would Like To Visit” and “Where I Have Visited” to make this more of a travel blog and those pages are now gone off of the main page. They’re still around somewhere, but again, the layout is too technological for me so I just haven’t figured out how to show them yet.
Also, I’m going to start posting some of my creative writing and poetry on this blog as well just to give it a good mix of content. Surely someone out there finds my life fascinating. Surely. I’ve already got one short story out there but I put it under “History with Saire” because its more history related than anything. It’s like Historical Fiction but in just a short story. What I’m saying is that, there will be more content that fits more into the “creative writing” category coming soon.
Did you know that Benedryl can show up on a drug test as a benzo? Oh yeah, I learned that today. Not because I had to take a drug test or anything. Remember I said I work in healthcare? I actually work for two different doctors – one as a personal assistant and the other as a medical assistant – so I find out a lot of interesting information all the time. It’s funny too because when the doctors are talking to me they make it seem like the information they just shared is common knowledge but I am so surprised by some of it that you would never know I’d never heard of it. It’s like I just discovered how to boil water with how excited I get to learn new information. Anyway, they get all excited that they taught a simpleton something new and it’s kind of cute to see the smile on their face when they find out that I didn’t know something. In a lot of ways, I’m like a dog. A good dog. Imma good dog.
So be sure to be on the lookout for new and exciting featured coming to this blog whenever I figure out how to use the dang thing!
Well I posted some of my historical essays so there are a few things now under “H!story with Sa!re” which is just a category that I set up to make things easier to find. I believe, for now, there are 3 things under History and a few more to come. You may have noticed that some of them are dated from 2009 and 2010; essentially, way back in the past. I chose to do that because that is when the articles were originally written and I really wanted to capture that on the blog instead of just posting multiple entries on the same day. Then there is another one that is scheduled to be published in a week.
On another subject, I have been waking up and getting out of bed only to be greeted with painful feet. Like, so painful, that its almost hard to walk around. It only ever happens in the morning. I Googled the issues I was having and something came up as “Planter Fastitias” (I don’t know how to spell that word). I didn’t inquire any further but what I understand is that there is something wrong with the tendons in my foots which could explain why I have been having pain when I stand for too long. You have to wear special in soles and everything when you have the “disorder” with your feet otherwise it would make it extremely painful to walk. Which is where I’m at right now. I can walk but it is painful. Not terrible, but noticeably different. And when I walk or stand for too long, the pain shoots into my thighs. I thought, maybe, that it was varicose veins starting in my legs but with the pain in my feet upon waking; I’m starting to think that it may be something else.
Do you ever get so tired of cleaning up after someone else that you want to smack them in the face, hard? Because as much as I have asked my husband to help out around the house, he still doesn’t do it unless I ask. Or yell. I just dont understand what goes through someones head when they know that someone else is doing the brunt of the work and hates doing it. In fact, it makes them extremely angry and irritable and makes the day or night suck. Someone you love. Someone you say that you would do anything for.
Expect, you know, your half of the household work. That’s how it is in my household. We share the duties… At least, that’s how its supposed to go. I don’t have any time to do any of the stuff that I enjoy doing because I am too busy cleaning the damn house all the time. Mind you, my house is not perfect, and like Ive previously mentioned I purposely stop cleaning the house half way through because – really – cleaning the house upsets me. And that’s just it, after I walk around the house picking everything up and putting it back, I quickly realize that I am picking up after another adult because they are too busy to do it themselves.
They’d rather watch 4 seasons of a television show on Netflix and take a nap while I am walking around the house angrily cleaning. I cannot keep doing everything for him. Short of dealing with most issues with bills or whatever, I clean the house and do the laundry. And he mows the grass outside. And he’s supposed to take out the trash (even though we’ve missed taking the trash to the curb the last 2 weeks). He’s also supposed to do half the other duties like dishes, sweeping, dusting, laundry (his half), cleaning up after the cats and dogs. But those “other” duties don’t ever get done. So I do them.
And it’s only going to get worse once graduate school starts for me because I will have even less time and more shit to do. I’d like to sit down and read 3 full chapters of my book but I can’t. I’d like to sit here for 4 hours and work on my blog, but I can’t. I don’t get it. Yes, this is a rant.
Being a kind person, I just could NOT sit around while someone is doing house work around me. I could never be a guest in someone else’s house without pitching in to help them with the household duties or make dinner, or get a few things grocery wise. That’s why I cannot understand what goes through my husbands head when he sees me doing all that I do. I just do not get it.
Women of the Renaissance helped to refine the soul of the Baroque period by adding sensitivity, empathy and passion to the world of arts and letters through their highly detailed contributions during the Renaissance within the realm of educational reform, the establishment of feminism, changes in Fashion & Design as well as the creation of the Anglican church and by evolving the image of women within the imagination.
In order to understand the ladies of the Renaissance, we must first discover the depths of uncertainty that their families came out of which worked as a spark to motivate them into seeking better opportunities for themselves. Prior to the great European Renaissance was a “dark” and depressing period, from the 5th century to the 14th century (Years 400-1300 C.E.)1, known as the Middle Ages which had few “high points” for civilization. There were many occurrences of “bad luck” that could have possibly helped make the bad situation, of these times, worse. Agriculture was often lacking; the food output from farming was often subpar when it came time to harvest as droughts and bad soil played a key role in dampening agricultural resources for much of Europe. Secondly, disease was rampant across Europe; many people were considered lucky to make it past their infancy during this time but, more astonishingly, living into an “old age” consisted of reaching the ripe age of thirty-five years old2. Finally, wide spread warfare, looting, and pillaging seemed to be one of the only ways in which “good people” could do something to lift their own families out of the oppression of the Middle Ages.
It was because of these practices of warfare, disease, and poor food production that people began to seek their resources elsewhere and, thus, trade slowly began to occur throughout much of Europe; making the families involved in this business wealthy at a fairly rapid pace. This, in turn, led to a need for people to be well-rounded when it came to linguistics and education. As a result of the “supply and demand” that was occurring within the mercantile business, business began to quickly expand to further areas of the world. People, then, began to seek some basic education in order to better their careers as worldly merchants and expand their horizons as individuals as well as built strong relationships with their business partners in foreign reaches of the world. Resultantly, Europe discovered themselves on the brink of a “New Dawn” that we now know as The European Renaissance!
To read more please click the link to bring up the essay in it’s entirety. It was too long to reasonably post over this blog. It takes approximately 66 minutes to read. Please click here to read more: FINAL GRADUATION PAPER
So there was a time where I was going to the gym everyday and really living the “gym rat” kind of life. Then I realized that I was not happy, that I was constantly comparing myself to other people and I was just completely making myself miserable. That, in itself, made me not be able to really even lose any weight but rather gain a few pounds even though I was actively dieting as well.
So I took some time off to just think about what I wanted and how I wanted to live. Then I became overweight and slightly less unhappy but still unhappy with the way I looked. I say “unhappy” with the way that I look like I was completely miserable but the real emotion there would have been that I was at least okay with the way that I looked. Overweight or not. One positive and negative about the way that I look is that my breasts are huge (that’s a positive) and the negative is that my breasts are huge. Because I am so blessed in the department of breasts, I look 10x my size. My belly doesn’t extend past them although there is a bit of “fluff”. However, I am okay with the way that I look. I look fertile, if that makes any sense. My hips are wide, my waist is a bit small then my hips; giving my body a nice hourglass shape. And, like I said, my boobs are huge. So, I look like a real knock out in a tight dress. Men notice me. So, I mean, I am not disguising huge like I look severely healthy and unhappy. I look well-fed and content, at least.
But my point is that I am still unhappy when it comes to the bottom line. I may never be truly happy because I know that my issues with depression, anxiety, and bipolar 2 disorder really hinder me from experiencing that type of emotion but I can at least attempt to get as close to happy as I can get. I owe that to myself. I’ve noticed lately that I am starting to get winded walking up three flights of stairs or how my legs start throbbing if I’ve been standing for too long. Well, that stops now. I renewed my gym membership and I think it’s back to the gym for me. I have an ambitious goal of losing as much weight as I can before my flight to Washington D.C. in August. If I’m not at my goal weight by that time, that’s fine, but I at least want to be as close to it as I can get. Just like my happiness. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just needs to be “good enough”. I figure I’m at 168.0 now. At 5’5, yes, that means that I am overweight. I would really like to see myself get to 140.0 by August but I am aware that, that goal is pretty ambitious so my expectations are still realistic. I’d be happy to be at 150.0, even 155.0 by August. That means that I would have lost around 10 pounds. If I have 10 weeks left, that that means that I would need to lose 1 pound a week to have lost 10 pounds by my deadline. That is doable, I think. Luckily for me, I have 11 weeks until I have to leave for my vacation/trip. So that’s an extra pound if I do it right!
Plus, I think I’m going to go vegetarian again. When I was vegetarian 2 previous times, I did end up losing weight both times. The first time I lost 15 pounds (with diet and exercise) and the second time I wasn’t trying so hard, I lost 8 pounds. For me, I have to go strict or there will always be room to “limit test” so I take away those limits and draw a nice thick line that I cannot cross and it’s been pretty good from there. I think I’ll start my vegetarian diet effective tomorrow.